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Difficult Conversations

Don’t let fatigue keep you from the person you love

Jesus, tired from the long walk, sat wearily beside the well about noontime. Soon a Samaritan woman came to draw water, and Jesus said to her, “Please give me a drink.” He was alone at the time because his disciples had gone into the village to buy some food. JOHN 4:6b-8 NLT

And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. EPHESIANS 4:26-27 NLT

Be aware of the relational barriers that might be keeping you from connecting with each other

The woman was surprised, for Jews refuse to have anything to do with Samaritans. She said to Jesus, “You are a Jew, and I am a Samaritan woman. Why are you asking me for a drink?” JOHN 4:9 NLT

All relationships have barriers

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. GALATIANS 6:2 NLT

Create a space of grace for people to be honest

Jesus replied, “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water.” JOHN 4:11 NLT

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. EPHESIANS 4:2 NLT

As Christians we don’t excuse sin, we invite grace

Let your conversation be always full of grace… COLOSSIANS 4:6a

Expect negative push back

“But sir, you don’t have a rope or a bucket,” she said, “and this well is very deep. Where would you get this living water? And besides, do you think you’re greater than our ancestor Jacob, who gave us this well? How can you offer better water than he and his sons and his animals enjoyed?” JOHN 4:11-12 NLT

Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” JOHN 4:13-14 NLT

Work to Identify the deeper issue

“Please, sir,” the woman said, “give me this water! Then I’ll never be thirsty again, and I won’t have to come here to get water.” “Go and get your husband,” Jesus told her. “I don’t have a husband,” the woman replied. JOHN 4:15-17a NLT

Speak the truth in love

“Jesus said, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband—for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth!” “Sir,” the woman said, “you must be a prophet. JOHN 4:17b-19 NLT

There is a way to say offensive things without being offensive

Remember the goal

Jesus replied, “Believe me, dear woman, the time is coming when it will no longer matter whether you worship the Father on this mountain or in Jerusalem. […] But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way. For God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth.” The woman said, “I know the Messiah is coming—the one who is called Christ. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.” Then Jesus told her, “I AM the Messiah!” JOHN 4:21, 23-26 NLT

My Notes

Personal Reflection Guide

Find a place that is away from noise and distractions. Wait until your thoughts and feelings become reasonably still. Take a few deep breaths. When you are ready, invite God to guide your time of reflection. Ask God to help you to identify a person you love that you need to have a difficult conversation with. What are your feelings regarding having this conversation? Pray that God will instruct and counsel you as to how to prepare for any excuses you may have to delay it. How can you partner with God to overcome relational barriers, create a safe space, adjust for age differences, and consider the woundings that either of you have had that may hinder having an honest communication? Talk to God about how to be gracious, speak the truth in a loving way, and to have a response for potential negative pushback. Think about any deeper issues that could be behind the conflict. Next, ask God to reveal any of these areas where you aren’t a safe space for others to have difficult conversations with you. Where do you need to let go of defensiveness or negative pushback, and instead receive someone else’s correction? Talk with God about this. Close your time by asking God for the courage, wisdom and strength to act on what He has revealed to you about having difficult conversations. Pray that God will use this to bring reconciliation in your relationships. Thank Him for what He will do as you trust and obey Him in this situation.

Discussion Questions

Choose a couple of the following questions from each section that best fit your group. Or, have everyone read the questions, choosing which one(s) from each section that they feel led to respond to.

  1. START HERE: How did your family handle conflict growing up?
  2. START HERE: Who has modeled healthy conflict for you?
  3. KEEP GOING: What tends to keep you from entering into difficult conversations?
  4. KEEP GOING: Read John 4:9 (NLT). What relational barriers do you recognize in your life (eg. race, gender, religion, age, wounding)? How do you see that play out in your significant relationships?
  5. KEEP GOING: Read Ephesians 4:2 (NLT). How can you work to create a space of grace in your home?
  6. DEEP WATERS: “A problem rightly identified is half solved.” If you struggle with pride, lying, anger, criticism, shame, fear, lust, greed, or laziness, what do you think could be an underlying issue that these feelings, thoughts, or actions are coming from? (NOTE FOR GROUPS: Break into groups of 2-3 to discuss. Practice creating a space of grace—this is not a time to correct or give advice to each other; it’s a time to affirm your love for each other and invite God to bring healing into your lives.)
  7. LIVE IT OUT: Read Colossians 4:6 (NLT). “There is a way to say offensive things without being offensive.” How do you practice gracefully speaking the truth in love?
  8. LIVE IT OUT: Being people of forgiveness and grace is what changes the world! How can you practice making allowance for each other's' faults (including negative pushback) this week?
  9. LIVE IT OUT: Challenge: Pray for someone who has offended you. Ask God to help you love them the way He has loved you and to act toward them the way God acts toward us!