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How to Manage Relational Conflict

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.” MATTHEW 18:15-20 NLT

PREPARE FOR RELATIONAL CONFLICT

“If another believer sins against you… MATTHEW 18:15 NLT

Jesus was:

Jesus says we can expect similar experiences. [Matthew 10:25]

IDENTIFY THE WHAT, NOT THE WHY

DEAL DIRECTLY WITH THE PERSON

…go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. MATTHEW 18:15 NLT

ASK YOUR SPIRITUAL COMMUNITY TO HELP YOU SOLVE IT

But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. MATTHEW 18:16 NLT

TAKE IT TO CHURCH LEADERSHIP

If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. MATTHEW 18:17 NLT “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.” MATTHEW 18:18-20 NLT

CREATE A HEALTHY BOUNDARY

Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. MATTHEW 18:17 NLT

MAINTAIN A REAL APPRECIATION OF GRACE

Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! MATTHEW 18:21-22 NLT

Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ MATTHEW 18:32-33 NLT

Who do I need to give grace to this week?

My Notes

Discussion Questions

Use the following questions to reflect on the sermon and choose a couple from each section to discuss as a group:

  1. START HERE: What’s your natural instinct when dealing with conflict: avoid it, confront it, vent to someone else, or replay it in your head at 2 a.m.?
  2. START HERE: What’s the pettiest thing you’ve ever been mad about that felt huge at the time?
  3. START HERE: Who showed you how to handle conflict growing up, and how has that shaped how you deal with it today?
  4. KEEP GOING: Read Matthew 18:15-20 NLT. Jesus says the goal is to “win the person back.” How does that challenge the outcome you tend to want in conflict?
  5. KEEP GOING: Pastor Matt encouraged us to focus on “the what, not the why” in conflict. When has assuming or assigning motives made a situation worse for you?
  6. KEEP GOING: What could you do to “cool down,” so that you avoid an emotional eruption or shutdown when you’re upset?
  7. KEEP GOING: How do you personally decide when a topic is worth bringing up and when it’s better to let it go?
  8. KEEP GOING: What makes it difficult for you to show grace to someone? Why do you think that is?
  9. LIVE IT OUT: Who do you need to give grace to this week? What’s a practical way you can do that?